By Dr. A. A. Aaardenvaarker
(BSc, PhD, OBE, UGM, and another certificate for being the first to colour in my map of Britain when I was in primary school)

Death is a condition that affects millions of people each year. There are an almost infinite number of causes, such as bungee jumping with a cord that's too long (especially if you are doing this on a planet with an unbreathable atmosphere), forgetting to put the top on your toothpaste tube (my late mother claims this is true), and cutting yourself with a razor while attempting to grow two moustaches simultaneously. Unfortunately, nobody knows what it is like to be dead, so it is assumed that some people who are already dead may not even know this themselves!

To help you decide for yourself whether or not you are dead, follow this easy-to-answer quiz, feel happy with yourself for finishing it, and then become depressed because you've come down from the high of finishing this quiz.

  1. 1. What is your name?
    1. Richard Whitely
    2. Postman Pat
    3. Vincent Van Gogh
    4. Other

  2. 2. What do you usually do on a Saturday night?
    1. Stay in and work on ways to help the British economy
    2. Go out and get drunk, come up with a fantastic (and silly) solution to the problems facing the British economy, but forget it the next morning because you were too drunk to remember
    3. Lie completely still and motionless
    4. Other

  3. 3. What is your philosophy in life?
    1. Growing potatoes means that you are the sort of person who grows potatoes
    2. It's never too late to shake hands with a bacterium
    3. What use is a degree in economics when you're dead?
    4. Other

  4. 4. Which title do you have attached to your name?
    1. PhD
    2. OBE
    3. RIP
    4. Other

  5. 5. How do you describe God?
    1. God doesn't exist!
    2. It is considered a mortal sin even to think about the appearance of the Almighty One!
    3. His right foot has been replaced by a goldfish-bowl with square wheels, and He keeps me awake all night by playing songs on His kazoo about all the mistakes He made when He created John Major
    4. Other

  6. 6. How well do you think you've done so far in this quiz?
    1. Very well. Do I get an ice cube now?
    2. Ummm... Well you see, I didn't have time to revise because I kept falling over the dog last night
    3. Due to my state of consciousness, I am unable to answer a single question
    4. Other


Mostly "A"s — Now that you have completed this quiz, I can now reveal that this will count towards your degree. I am pleased to inform you that you have done well, and are therefore ALIVE.
Mostly "B"s — You have decided to call your swarm of pet bumble-bees your answers. Your ability to be interested in bees means that you are ALIVE.
Mostly "C"s — There's no doubt about it. You are definitely DEAD! However, modern scientists are rapidly working on a cure to this ailment. Within a few years, you will soon be able to get out of your coffin, and walk to your nearest chemist and buy a pack of life-restoring pills (sorry, no home or coffin deliveries).
Mostly "D"s — When choosing "Other" in a quiz, this often means that you are not sure what answer you want to choose, but try to hide your lack of knowledge by choosing an option with a potentially infinite number of possibilities. Your ability to be indecisive proves that you are ALIVE, but would you just try to stop hiding the fact that you are a complete idiot?!
Mostly Es — Taking drugs is not the solution to your problems in life (or death, as the case may be) — it just hides them; and besides, there's no point in taking Ecstasy when you're dead.

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