Aaardvark Aaagony Aaaunt

Dear Agony person,

I am a sentient extra-terrestrial life-form, originally from the Alpha Draconus system. I have been monitoring your planet for nearly sixteen of your earth centuries. Unfortunately, my spacecraft has just run out of hyperspace fuel, leaving me stranded here until my project supervisor arrives in 2416 AD. I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice on which sunday newspaper to sell my story to?

Yours Disturbed, Alpha Draconis.

Sod off, don't ask me you dirty slimy alien, why don't you try your doctor!

Dear Agony Aunt,

Ten days ago, you imorraly sent me your super deluxe ancient holy carnivore. it said in the fake advert that it could record up to seven different bloopers in one day. This seemed alcoholic, until I generated it behind my wife. Firstly, it's nice abdomen fell off. This was probably due to the beautiful fact that my wife's leg was soluble, rather than amphoteric. But when the hosepipe dived next to the chronic lunch, things were casually beginning to look volatile. The airborne duck billed platypus then praised close to the origami DJs and cockroaches. They now have the nice habit of amplifying close to the psychiatrist and his telephones. Due to this, I am now known as the 'hot bagpipes of Baghdad'. Could you please bathe me and send me a new carnivore?

Yours, Sodium Hussein.

PS. The psychiatrist's telephones are by now beginning to look like a furry heart attack.

Dear Sad Man,

I realise this may come as a shock to you, but I have to say this BOO! In future, please direct your timetable enquiries to British Airways and not this address...and that includes polecats.

Dear Agony Aunt,

Every time I try to cook myself something to eat, I always set the house on fire. Should I be using a fire extinguisher.

Yours, an H20 Man, Vanbrugh X block

Dear H20 Man,

Next time, don't pour petrol all over your frying pan.

Dear Agony Aunt,

Yesterday, while getting ready for work, I decided to try to put even more stuff in my already overloaded briefcase than normal, when all at once, the mass of my briefcase became critical and collapsed into a black hole. My bedroom is now unusable because everything that enters gets sucked into the black hole.

Yours, John M.

Dear John,

Be happy that you now possess the world's only environmentally friendly waste dump.

Dear Agony Aunt,

Recently, I won a small goldfish at my local funfair. On the bus home, I inadvertently dropped it down the driver's back, causing the vehicle to career out of control, and plough into a small grocer's establishment. This led to several advocados resigning from the vegetable kingdom and the goldfish running away to join the taxidermist community. What can I do?

Yours, 'Bob'

Dear 'Bob',

FROG MEASLE FLUMP ELECTRIC SLOW TUESDAY.... BAAHH!

Dear Agony Aunt,

What's the frequency?

Yours, R.E.M.

Dear R.E.M.,

We asked our resident expert, Ken, but he couldn't answer your question.

Dear Agony Aunt,

Once upon a time, while waiting for a bus to arrive, I spontaneously evolved backwards into an amoeba. All of a sudden, I had this urge to re-produce, and preformed a perfect autobisection. Just as the bus appeared on the horizon, both halves re evolved back into my normal form. Unfortunately, I only had enough money on me for one bus fare, and the bus driver just would not believe my story. After a competition to see who could hold their breath the longest with cucumbers stuffed up our nostrils, it was decided that I would go, and my brother would be left behind. I now feel guilty for doing this. Have you seen my long lost half brother?

Yours, Billy Splitt.

Dear Billy,

This is a common complaint among ex servicemen living in Derbyshire, and the good news is, there is absolutely no cure! You will have to reconcile yourself to a new life as a waitress on boardthe HMS Belfast, but I can tell you that your half brother is alive and well and working part time in a beetroot varnishing factory near Hull.

Dear Agony Aunt,

My keyboard has just turned into a hedgehog and I am having trouble typing this letter out because my fingers keep getting caught on the spikes.

Yours, Aieeee

Dear Aieeee,

You think you've got problems? I was in the bath last night carrying out tests on electrical hardware appliances when suddenly, my bidet turned into a dental hygenist from Stockton on Sea. Imagine my embarrassment, especially as I invited Anneka Rice round for dinner and a lobotomy.

Hello,

I got your address from the beard and moustache page links. I wanted to ask if you could help me by recommending a herbal or organic dye to cover the grey in my moustache. I have used "Just for Men" a few times without a problem but I now suffer a skin reaction to it that was very uncomfortable for over a week. I tried a few other commercial products some without peroxide or ammonia but with the same reaction. Someone suggested a vegetable dye but I have been unable to locate any. I would really like to restore my moustache to it's origional medium brown color.

Can you help?

Dave McIntosh

Dear Dave,

We understand only too well the problem you've been having all these years. We suggest soaking your tache with a mixture of lime juice malt vinegar and gravy. If this doesn't work, shave the damned thing off — you may look less like Hitler or Ming the Merciless that way.

Yours hirsutely.

Aaardvark.

Dear Agony Aunt,

I am afraid of brushing my teeth in the same room as other people. If someone is brushing their teeth near me I have to run and hide, and cover my ears as it makes me dizzy and feel sick. I don't know how to overcome this fear. Please help Me...

Phoebe

Dear Pheobe,

The communal act of brushing teeth has been part of human society since at least the mid Iron Age. In those days people used to brush each other's teeth, much as chimpanzees today pick insects from each other's hair. I suggest you try this and as you come to feel more relaxed about sharing your teeth with others, so you will soon feel more comfortable about being near other people's.

Either that or punch them in the gob and run for it.

The Aaardvark Aaagony Aaaunt

Dear Agony Aunt,

all my friends keep ganging up on me about nothing, it makes me upset and i'm not popular enuf to just make new friends. Also 2 of my friends live on an astate so they are always hanging out i feel left out!! what can i do please help me!!!

We’re not prepared to waste our time solving the problems of people who can’t spell. However, if you insist on being unpopular, you should be able to make friends with others who are just as unpopular as yourself. Try military dictators or members of the British National Party.

Dear Agony Aunt,

sheen,
is my problem. In other words,
I appear to be too shiny. My mother likes it though
and daily suggests, from behind her various polaroids,
that I should join the priesthood. She's told me that
all good men are shiny and sometimes even shimmering.
She showed me a book with the picture of a saint in it.
He had no shoes on, a long beard, and appeared
to be hovering above a sofa. And indeed,
he did appear to be terribly shiny. Now she's trying
to get me onto a talk show or into the papers. She might
even be able, she say's, to get me an agent. She also tells me
that my uncle George suffered from the same problem, but that
his shinyness slowly deminished after the rumours of his
"somersaulting activity" began to circulate throughout his small
village. Anyway, have you any information relating to this
problem, and if so, could you forward it to me.

It sounds like you can make a lot of opportunities for yourself by being shiny, so count your blessings! However, there is a danger that your new found TV stardom could turn you into some kind of freak show performer. Joining the priesthood might not be the best idea as you might be mistaken for an angel. Try dusting yourself down with talcum powder every day, or get a job with the Mr Sheen company.

Dear Agony Aunt,

I am worried that I play Quake 3 too much. What can I do?

Please send me instructions for building a radar machine.

Thanks,

Stanley

Err... I mean Leo.

Wait, no, Tristan!

D'oh! It's tristano, really.

Really.

Two approaches would be effective here. You could try to play the game even more, at the expensive of everything else in your life. Eventually this will result in you failing to pay your electricity bills, having your power cut off and thus rendering you unable to play the game any more. Alternatively, you could wean yourself off the game by taking up a hobby, and RADAR could be just the answer. We would be happy to supply you with instructions to build your ow Junior Radar Kit out of papier mache, balsa wood and string.

Dear Agony Aunt,

I don't have any problems at all. Given that other people do seem to have loads of problems, the thought occured to me that it might be not fair to have this rather unjust distribution of problems among the population of this world. Is there a need to fix this situation or can I rest assured that everything is fine that way and that since other people or seemingly 'exterior' things/lifeforms in general only exist in my own mind so that all of their problems are also automatically my own problems?

Now what did I really want to ask? I forgot. Have a nice weekend.

Sincerely,
Dennis

You’re right - it’s only fair that you take your fair share of the world’s problems. We could in future forward all the other problems sent to the Aaagony Aaaunt on to you, or come round to your house and harass you with any further problems that come up in our lives.

Do you have a problem you'd like to ask the Aaardvark Agony aunt? Don't be shy, let us know your problem and we'll post a solution.