||| If you've ever travelled on a train in Scotland, you would have noticed how there is a lack of railway lines, and in order to travel from the south east coast to the south west coast, you must travel between Edinburgh and Glasgow. It is now believed that the Scottish Tourist Board are conspiring with Inter City by making you spend more time in Scotland than is necessary. They believe that the longer you spend in Scotland, the more you become addicted to it, and the more you want to go back there. Our correspondent recently was forced to travel 100 miles more than is necessary, but fortunately, he was wearing his anti Scotland socks, and was immune from becoming addicted to Scotland.

Inter City excuses, as you all know, come on the patheticness-level of a banana wearing a tie to make it more tasty. Perhaps they need to be livened up. The following excuse:

"Due to electrification of the line, the 14:02 train from Glasgow has been cancelled. Instead, please take a bus."

can easily be transformed into this:

"Due to eccentrification of the sublime, the 15:72 brain from Atlantis has been cremated. Instead, here is a live recording from the Beatles"

||| It has just been revealed that for the past 20 years, Foreign Secretary Douglas Hurd has been trapped in an eight foot high jar of Nutella.

||| It has come to our attention that a colony of gnomes has been disturbed during construction work on the new Psychology building behind James College. The gnomes, whose houses the JCBs carelessly swept aside, are planning a court order against the new building project's foreman, Brian Platypus PhD. Many of them have lost valuable property such as fishing rods in the accident, and one will never be able to ride his rabbit again.

The incident is not the first of its kind - regular readers will recall the accidental gassing of the pixie community beside Alcuin C-block by the Chemistry department last year, as well as the tragic roasting of a middle-aged elf in the Wentworth Carvery three years ago.

In protest, the SU are threatening to occupy Langwith D-block unless a regulation is passed protecting the interest of the entire fairy community. Pointless, Surely? will keep you posted.

||| Following the tragic death of Record Breakers star Roy Castle comes more sad news. Unfortunately, we have just heard that Cheryl Baker is still alive and in good health.