G: Now that we're all listening, can I continue?
D: I'm afraid not. Three of the provosts are now missing, and we require at least five provosts in order to pass any decisions.
V: Wait a minute, The Wentworth provost will shortly pass by after his second orbit. [Turns to Alcuin provost] Stop him when he passes by.
A: I have a theory on why there is a bridge between Alcuin and Langwith. This is to help all the air that would otherwise be in that space to disappear, go somewhere else, and perhaps save someone's life if they suddenly - due to a freak occurance of nature - breathe up all surrounding air...
V: Listen, even by your standards, that's a crap theory. And wouldn't the bridge take away the air that was there before?
G: Now now, lads, let's not have an argument. It is impossible even to conceive the mess we are in now, so just shut up.
[At this point the Wentworth provost is spotted]
A: [Turns arouns to him] Stop - flying - at - once - you - stupid - baboon - of - a - provost.
W: [disapearing] Twat!!!
V: You Neanderthal ninny!!! You were supposed to grab him.
G: There's nothing I find more boring than having to wait for a provost to pass by, except of course charting the flea population on my dog.
A: I know, why don't we sing a song to help us pass the time.
ALL OTHERS: [In hysterics] NO!!! PLEASE!!!
A: [singing] He'll be coming round the mountain when he comes...
[The Vanbrugh provost has an epileptic fit and is momentarily reduced to an upset child deprived of it's sanity]
[Suddenly, the Wentworth provost passes by again]
G: EVERYBODY GRAB
[everyone grabs hold of the Wentworth provost and this forces him to turn upwards. They are propelled above mount Everest, above the ozone layer, above Alcuin dining hall, etc.]
D: I'm begining to feel sick. I want to go home.
A: [still singing] He'll be wearing green pyjamas when he comes...
G: Right. Does anybody know how to navigate a provost?
V: [Still suffering the effects of his fit.] I once studied provost navigation as one of my O-level subjects. Unfortunately, I failed. This was because I spent the lessons drawing pictures of my maths teacher posing with tropical bananas and a snake. My provost navigation teacher saw these pictures, but instead of giving me six of the best, sent me to the nearest psychiatric hospital. I thought I was going to have a lobotomy, but instead, they recommended that I should become Provost of Vanbrugh college.
G: I got my job when I drastically mispelled 'cleaning person'
D: I should have listened to my mother, and become a hair dresser. Although even as a provost, when I interview the first years, I sometimes offer to give them a haircut. It's increddible how many refuse. Perhaps I should get rid of my chainsaw.
A: [still singing] He'll be digesting lots of food when he comes...
J: [Who has just caught up with other provosts] Hello. It's me.
W: I thought your mother had pulled you inside her.
J: That's what she thinks! Half-way through my descent, I grabbed a passing goose, cut off my umbilical chord, tied the goose to it's end and utilised the slingshot effect of the Earth's gravity to propell myself up here. The umbilical chord, along with the goose should by now be inside my mother. I hope she does not notice anything unusual.
V: [Is still suffering from fit and is chewing fingertips of Wentworth provost]
J: [Talks to Vanbrugh provost] Alright then, Mr V. Is everything hunky-dory behind the zip?
V [tries to strangle J] : So, you think you're so smart, eh. How the hell do you make this foot-stool of a provost change directions.
J: But you did not answer my question.
V: [Tries to kill J]
J: [Using an obscure martial art, Escapes from V's strangle hold and throws him at A who shuts up]
J: Due to the fact that the Wentworth provost is still too large, we cannot get him to turn around. However, if we direct the air escaping from the Wentworth provost into the valve of another provost. When he is full, we can be propelled in the other direction. I will need a volonteer.
D: No, don't look at me?
J: I'd knew you'ld volonteer.
[All other provosts laugh at D]
J: Now let me explain. Due to an executive cock-up on behalf of the Derwent provost, the Wentworth provost began orbiting the earth at 2.3714 revolutions per minute, with a net velocity of...
A: [quitely] : That provost really impresses me.
W: Actually, I find that anyone can explain these sort of things.
A: [louder] Oh go on then, how does this work?
W: By multyplying pythagoras's theorem with the speed of light in HP sauce, we get the ammount of bullshit produced by a certain provost who thinks he knows it all.
A: What a complete load of bananas and hairs! You divide by the speed of sound during the Queen's speach.
W: [Raising his voice] Look, even if the queen makes her speech on December 26th, the pitch of her voice will still obscure any harmonics produced by her oesophagus.
A: [Louder]Right, and I'm David Mellor sitting next to a Chinese person and a Korean footballer.
J: [His voice is obscured by W and A arguing, keeps explaining the plan, until he grabs the Wentworth Provost's valve and conects it to the Derwent provost's valve]
D: [being inflated] I want my mummy.
J: That's easy for you to say, you don't remember what it was like to be in your mother's womb. My placenta keeps asking me to read it a bed time story. This is made worse by the fact that my placenta likes the Mister-men books (especially Mr. Sheepshaver), and cries every time I mention the word metaphysics. I personally hate Mr. Men, and prefer books like 'Learn Astrophysics in the bath'
W: My placenta liked "Lusty Linda loves ludicrously long lengths"
A: Couldn't you have read it the instruction manual for my mother's washing machine instead?
W: What good would that have done?
A: My mum likes collecting placentas, and does not know how to use her washing machine.
W: What a moderately ridiculous suggestion. My mun didn't know how to use her videorecorder, not because she did not know what to do, but because she wanted to know what was going on inside before she would be confident enough to program it. She solved this problem when she changed her religion from atheism to one which she made up herself and included a god of videorecorders.
A: I still prefer the placenta method. If you sprinkle your placenta with salt, it is said to improve it's IQ at the cost of it's vitamin-content.
J: We are now in earth orbit.
A: Here we are, back home again, ready to start afresh on that seed of life just planted in the valey of death.
V: Shut up.
W: I think that because we have been moving so fast, we have - due to Einstein's theory of relativity - moved forward in time.
G: Here's a newspaper floating around, let's read it [Reads the paper]
G: Oh my dog! I've been replaced by a chimpanzee.
A: And I've been replaced by an elk.
W: Me, a kangaroo!
D: A goldfish!!!
V: And me... A canary?!?!?!?!
J: Hang on a minute, let me see.
J: [reads out] Today, James college has finally been completed. The new provost, a well formed goose has taken charge. In tradition, the other provosts (who have mysteriously gone missing) were replaced by other animals.
J: A goose has taken over my job, A GOOSE HAS TAKEN OVER MY JOB ... A GOOSE HAS TAKEN OVER MY JOB!!!
[In a fit of panic, J throws himself to the ground and lands in the middle of the lake so hard that it empties. The force was so great that the other provosts were propelled at near light speed towards a black hole.]
TO BE CONTINUED...
By Andrei Ellman, Aaardvark by royal appointment.