AAARDVARK IN MAGAZINE RELEASE SHOCK HORROR AAARGH!!!

Aaardvark, in one of those sensational shock horror aaargh type thingies have just released the latest edition of their magazine called PING! (On sale now in the SU shop and Vanbrugh stalls)

WOMBAT

After the gelatinous success of their previous two magazines (Jim and Son of Jim), it seemed only appropriate that Aaardvark should make another compilation of it's most creative outpourings.

VELOCIPEDE

There was but one obstacle in the way of our conquest of fame, and that was what to call our brand new hot off the horse magazine. At first, we decided to go up to a bunch of University of Pork students who had

been on a night out to Piggys' nightclub, and ask their opinions, but all they could do was introduce us to their llama's pet turtle, and so we decided other methods must be sought.

BLANCMANGE

It was thus decided. Several names would be invented, and the person who thought of the most imaginative thing to do with a haddock could chose what title the magazine would get. After several failed attempts to navigate blazing haddocks to the Falkland islands, the name PING! was chosen.

FISH

The pope was unavailable for comment at the time.

A copy of PING yesterday.

COMMONS DEBATE ON BUDGET DECLARED A HEALTH-CHICKEN

Today saw the debate in the house of commons on the Budget. Prime-minister John 'Pickles' Major had this to say about the day's events:

"Chancellor Kenneth 'Cluck-Cluck' Clarke pushed his speech through like an earthworm digging a new hole"

Labour called this budget "The biggest sandwich that the Tories have ever driven" and have offered to sacrifice a bow-tie for every lamp-post that this government has made redundant.

The actual budget speech began with the Chancellor of the Exchequer clearing his throat, and ended up with him dirtying it again. The NHS was going to receive extra funding, but a hole in Kenneth's pocket meant that his only 5p coin had fallen out, and as a result, did not have the resources. A Conservative back bencher commented that the day was in fact a night, and that he didn't exist (he said that his presence as perceived by our correspondent was due to a drug-induced hallucination). Our correspondent started to sneeze while...(continued on page QÀªF)