A new version by the Indian Tourist Board

Except for the Marabar Caves - and they are twenty miles off - the city of Chandrapore presents nothing extraordinary. So why not take our unique "Images of India" tour - an 18 day extravaganza combining the great city of Delhi and the fabled Taj Mahal with a tour of southern India. Explore the seat of the Maharajas at Mysore, the magnificent Hindu temples of Halebid and Belur, the ancient city of Madurai and relax on the coast after a feast of temples and monuments.

Alternatively you can enjoy the "Classic India" tour, 18 days exploring the contrasts of India on a tour which centres on the princely state of Rajasthan. The great cities of Delhi and Bombay, superb Taj Mahal and the palaces of the Maharajahs contrast with the wildlife sanctuaries and ancient cave temples. This tour is designed to show you all the facets of Indian life and wherever possible we have selected the most comfortable accommodation. And we can guarantee that you will not be raped in any caves, or be forced to appear in court. You might have a stroke in the heat, but this is unlikely to cause any profound religious awakening for you, and you will probably not die on the boat going back.

Still not convinced? Then how about this - we are also able to offer the "Indian Panorama" tour with optional extension to Kashmir during the summer months. Savour the mystery and colour of India before taking the chance to relax on a comfortable houseboat on Dal Lake with the distant Himalayas as a backcloth. Prices are based on accommodation in a twin room with private bath, and there is an optional extra of having a wasp come to your window, so that you can say "Pretty dear" to it, and your voice can float out, to swell the night's uneasiness (or something like that). And if you're worried about racial prejudice for any reason, then let us know and we'll whip up a nice Bridge Party for you or another tea party at that chap Fielding's place, although you'll probably get some funny Hindu bloke singing there so it's best to stick with our lot. Any queries, write to Major Callendar, The Civil Station, Chandrapore (you know - that boring place edged rather than washed by the river Ganges), India.