Extracts from the recently published biography of Dr Hans Noodle-Faffer

"...and half a dozen rice pudding bowls. I always found that the acoustics of my little red biscuit tin were fantastic. The resonance was incredible - I recall the many hours I spent yodling in it.

I recall one evening when I was so tired I fell asleep whilst still inside my little red biscuit tin. When I awoke, the sun was shining and I could hear the songs of a thousand chirping birds... well I realized then that I had hit my head on the cupboard. I don't do it all that often and so I thought I'd get the self-abuse in especially early, while the day was still fresh.

Anyway, the melodious birds that strangely swam around my head were accompanied by beautiful music, such that I felt like washing my hair and running through a field - ahhhh, the feeling of unfoiled euphoria.

It was one of those Kodak moments, and since I had lots of film left over from the last time that I didn't take photos, I thought I'd keep the situation as it was, and thus the moment of splendour would be kept forever and ever for at least a few minutes. Who knows, one day I might actually get a camera..."

"Does a light year have half the calories of a regular year? It's worth pondering, you know. Meanwhile, I was trapped in the alternate dimension of my bathroom. Have you ever had the deja vu feeling? You know, if you've been in that situation before? It was this feeling that suddenly overpowered me... then I remembered I was shaving. I'm so glad that they haven't created an electric razor along the lines of an electric toothbrush - you know, one that vibrates the blade so that you don't have to move your hand much."

"I spent the morning working in the garden. In one moment of sheer class-determinism, I threw away the amateur seeds and decided instead to plant only pro-seeds."

"Unable to grapple the inner conflict of Hegelian logic, I rhythmically headbutted sun-rays in the hope that they'd turn into a plastic bucket - my current water pail is incontinent, you see. I must say it was a futile attempt since success was far more existant. I must stress, children should not try this at home as they'll just end up with a headache - I did. In these situations, Nurofen just doesn't work; neither do the men with shovels on all our motorways. So I rubbed some powdered aspirin onto my forehead to alleviate the cephalalgia (hemicrania/neuralgia), but this only had the effect of making me produce abnormal amounts of phlegm, rather like watching GMTV.

On this particular morning I wasn't too hungry - I decided to have low fat yogurt for breakfast, but it was too runny so I stirred in a teaspoon of double cream to thicken it up a bit..."

"You're never alone with a stick of celery - especially if you're another stick of celery."

"I watched a really boring video today - probably the most noneventful film I have ever seen. It's called `Video-head Cleaner'. I bought the soundtrack, but it wasn't much better...

Then it occurred to me that the edges of my life were missing - I rushed down to the corner shop and purchased four corners. Feeling a bit square, I quickly opened and shut my eyes then enclosed my left foot in a blue tea towel and tapped my head courteously with a plastic tea spoon."

"Last week I decided to invite some friends to a nearby potato. We expanded our chests with air, then contracted them very quickly pushing the air out again; apparently if you do this all the time it prolongs life..."

"Hingle bar - oh sorry, that hasn't been invented yet. Instead I walked over to where the phone was as that had been invented a good few decades ago, and some not so good ones as well.

`Hello, is that Fiona?' I said over the phone. There was no reply; I redialled the number but this time lifted up the hand set. I'd known David and Fiona for several years now; they were a happy couple - she snored, and he was dead. David, I remember, had this wonderful shirt - it had hundreds of cunningly placed creases which gave the impression that it hadn't been ironed. It was only upon closer examination that you could tell the difference.

Okay, so Fiona's phone didn't seem to be working too well. I tried a few other friends, but it didn't help - Fiona's phone still didn't work. I gently rubbed some banana peel onto my forehead - I still couldn't get rid of that ache..."

The Life and Times of Amorphic Entities vol. VII: Hans Noodle-Faffer" is NOT available on retail, but you can order a copy TODAY. Simply write out a car and then write out a cheque for four pounds and fifty pence to The Emperess Josephine, 14 Sponge Cake, Harpendon. Please allow 28 years for delivery.