Good morning, I am a famous surgeon. I am more famous than most surgeons, although not quite as famous as Doctor Kildare and probably only marginally more famous than Doctor Frankenstein. Tonight (or whenever you're reading this), I would like to show you exactly how to deal with important surgical requirements whilst on a British Rail train to Newcastle.

Broken limbs - This is not a common complaint among British Rail passengers as there's not much that can happen to you limb wise if sitting in the correct position in your seat (reserved if possible - reserving seats beforehand has saved numerous cases of potential limb-breaking, heart-failure, kidney disorder and fatal-death). If, however, your leg should accidentally snap in two while sitting reading the paper (you that is - not the leg), then there are two things you can do:
1. If the leg is only partially fractured, then nip along to the buffet, and get one of those wee plastic forks. These are specially produced for British Rail, and are therefore good and strong, and provide an excellent substitute for the broken bone while it slowly heals up. Use Dr. Aaardvark's "Surgery made simple" handbook for details of the actual operation required.
2. If the leg is completely broken in two, then dispose of the separate bit carefully in one of the many rubbish bins provided on the train by British Rail, and then hop along to the buffet and buy a large cup of coffee. This will cheer you up, and then you can use the cup to provide a nice smooth base to the stump that's left of your leg. Simply stick your stump into the cup and tap it a bit to make sure it's on firmly. This will also contain any unwanted blood, membranes, etc.

Heart-attack - If you have a heart-attack whilst on a British Rail train, there's not really a lot you can do about it, but make sure you have a large sign around your neck telling the ticket collector where you want to get off, as it is doubtful that you will recover in time to leap off unaided. Also make sure you have a large limpet mine concealed in the same pocket as your wallet, as some people on trains will try to steal whatever they can get, and if you are unconscious, it does tend to make it a bit easier for them.

Drug overdose - If you have accidentally or otherwise taken a massive drug overdose along with your coffee and flapjack from the buffet, again, there is little, you personally can do, so make sure you have the following clearly visible to others:
1. The empty bottle of pills or needle you have used.
2. a T-shirt written in Coca-Cola lettering saying "Just for the feel of it - Diet Cocaine"
3. Dr. Aaardvark's "Surgery made so mind-bogglingly simple that any punter on a train to Newcastle can understand it."

If you have any other queries, then write to me, or ask the ticket collector.

Surgical equipment you will need: