Matt Satin - Private Detective: Part 1

It was a cold Dusty Night , the Sun beat down with a Ferocity I was not accustomed to . I loosened my shirt collar and opened my top desk Draw with one swift , smooth , movement .

Inside was my 3rd form Biology notes and , I recalled , beneath the sleek insurance of a Colt 43 SemiAutomatic Selfpropagating Field Plougher.. I removed it , with some difficulty , and placed it in the warm recesses of the draw .

Outside , Street cars prowled , like lonely driverless vehicles. The pink neon sign of Joe's Cafe , just across the way , shone , pinkly , through the dusty slats of my old , but trustworty , Venetian blind.. I focussed on it for a moment , and considered it ; magnificent craftmenship.. Sleek and yet possessing a certain honour and dignity.. Yes that armourplated curtain-simulant had saved my skin many a time..

Just then there was a timid rap at the door, a large bulky figure was silhouetted against the frosted glass by the Tungsten arclamp I had habitually Bolted to the wall immediately opposite the entrance to my office.

"Come in" , I guestured.

The door swung open and a short well built cheerful woman entered..

I raised my eyebrows and removed my feet from the desk..

"And ,Miss ; what can I do for you?" I asked , trying to keep my cool..

The woman lowered her bucket full of cleaning materials and spoke;

"I've come to clean you're office , Chuck."

I shivered , I had not heard those words in a long , long time; they carried much pain and much urgency.. I replied with the formal reply;

"Tomorow and Tomorow creeps on at this Superstore"

She looked quizzically at me and straitened up..

"Eh?" She enounced cryptically , raising a well proportioned hand to here skull cap , and began to scratch..

Again the correct response.. I drew a sharp breath..

The woman made a swift deft movement and there was a sound of shifting cloth.. Moments later a tall glamourous woman stood beside a pile of clothes.. I averted my eyes.. She laughed...

"Does it bother you that much?" She queried with a sparkle in her voice.

I cringed ;

" Yellow and Green? Oh please?? Have you no shame?"

She smiled..

"Well, it happens to be all the rage at the moment!"

"I know , I know.." I replied , shaking my head at the horror of it all.

Taking a deep breath she unzipped a concealed pocket and removed a collection of assorted brightly coloured objects from within. She placed them on the desk .

"That's a relief ", she sighed ; rubbing her instep . That pocket was ,indeed , a mastery of concelment mechanics .

I pushed the objects around the desk in a listless fashion . I sighed .

"You recognise them ?" She inquired

"Indeed I do... " I murmured , they brought back old memories.

"They are produced by The SmileyClownFunPalace Inc . Or at least they have been fabricated to look as such... They are infact a set of complex decoding tools ."

I nodded .

"But why ," I queried " have you come to me , a lowly PI , about this?"

"Because ," She Replied " We know something of your past , and this involves the League of Lefthanded Bottleopeners..."

I Nodded , slowly , once more..

" I had guessed as much." I said bitterly. "And these Blocks (of various exciting shapes and colours , that your children will love) are to be used on a storage device that has been located by your organisation?"

"Well , almost correct.."


"We haven't quite found the Storage device yet..."

"And you wish me to locate it?"

"Yes , and decode the data ,therein .."

"We have located possible locations for the device! " She said Brightly.

I stopped trying to build a hedgehog from the blocks , a pointless task as I was missing the all important green star block , and fixed her with my gaze...


"It Lie within one of The SmileyClownFunPalace inc's HappyFamilyWonderShops "

"Ah.. I know them well.." , I said unconsciously . She gave me a strange

look at this point.. I averted my gaze and coughed , embarassedly.

"There is one slight promblem however.. The device looks remarkably similar to The SmileyClownFunPalace inc's BlockSlotter "

"And , roughly , how many are there of those sed devices ?"

"About 100.."


"..per shop"


"Will you take up our quest?"

" Normally I wouldn't , It being shopping day ; however since it involves The LoLhBo , I know that I must ..."

"Good ." She Smiled , and with a brief wave was gone...

I resisted the overwhelming urge to search the room , and instead pocketed the Blocks and slipped into my white raincoat with what would have been one swift sleek movement , if I had not had the misfortune to purchase a large rectangular wooden desk some ten years previously. As a result of this flaw in logic I almost impaled my arm on a series of blue biros , and then proceeded to induced a period of unconsciousness by connecting the top portion of my skull to the dull and unpolished floor of my office...