Just how did dinosaurs become extinct? Was it the ice age? Did a monster meteor collide with our prehistoric planet? Were the lumbering lizards simply out-evolved by more intelligent beasts like the woolly mammoth and sabre-tooth tiger? Or did they all simultaneously become addicted to hard drugs? It's a question that has baffled scientists, schoolchildren and sardines for generations... BUT NO MORE!
YES! 'Dino-Crazy' Horace Brennan from Plymouth has developed his own conclusive theory that finally answers the greatest mystery of prehistory. Says he: "About 1500 million years ago - towards the end of the Triassic era, the world was a very different place to how you and I know it. Trains would never run late, supermarket trolleys hadn't been invented, and in particular, the Earth's gravitational constant would fluctuate unpredictably from 4x10-6Nm2kg-2 to anything up to 7x10-18Nm2kg-2, compared to the present value of 6.6x10-11Nm2kg-2. In layman's terms the dinosaurs would sometimes become WEIGHTLESS - somewhat similar to a spaceman on the moon! Or a flea on a falling baboon!"
"Well... you can imagine the trouble it caused, can't you! If you're a great big Tyrannosaurus Rex you CAN'T BE DOING with horrible inconveniences like weightlessness. Imagine it's supper time and you're chasing a stampede of, say, diplodoci. They're cornered off at the chasm edge and your getting all salivated etc., and you just float off. Into mid air. Just like that. NO! NO! NO NO NO! IT JUST WOULDN'T DO! You'd STARVE y' hear me? STARVE! Ahem. Anyway, some of the more intelligent dinosaurs evolved into birds, some intellectually challenged dinosaurs evolved into microbes and got eaten, but all the rest died of air sickness and just floated off into outer-space."
Mr Brennan says he got the idea after watching Steven Spielberg's 'monster' box office smash Jurassic Park, but what evidence does he have to support his theory? "Well, I've seen a number of prehistoric specimens float past my window at night... Brachiosaurus, Brontosaurus, Thesaurus, oh - and Triceratops - they're my favourite! In fact, I spotted one of those last week. It asked me if I had some string it could borrow. Apparently it was seeking employment as a kite."
Horace is 80 and is a retired carpet fitter. He can often be seen changing the gravitational constant in his local pub just before closing time. This has led to accusations of him once having been called Clarissa, on the grounds that his armpits had rented a fork lift truck to assist newly evolved vertebrates during a manhole-cover salespersons convention.