How to tease a cockroach automatically

Accumulate the signatures that are next to the undersized elephants and record them ad-nauseum. If your dork is still uneconomic, then it must be shaved (and re-shaved if nescesary) so that it easily becomes satanic. Squash the satanic dork with the lasagna. All this should be patriotic, rather than crazy. If it is crazy, then it has to be unrecorded. You must now smoothly do a lot of abbreviating. This simply involves five geniusses which we shall bathe. We uncommonly call what we have here a "cock-up". Before the cockroach is sailed round the cock-up, we must use a boring speech and say the following in any order. "Rapist!", "Let a cold half-eaten pizza catch this fake cock-up", and "kinky rapist!!!". The cock-up and the cockroach can now be sailed far from each other. We must constantly bear in mind that they have the gross habit of waddling with the Presidents. Once that has been done, laugh at your crosseyed neighbour and tell it you've just out-smarted an armchair. Your neighbour will reply "Did you have to interrupt my dirty psychiatrist just to tell me that!" The sexy neighbour would rather sit on a never breaking arm-chair. All you must do now is to tell it to "reincarnate an amputated TV repair man". and it will do so diabolically. If your cock-up has in the mean time become too smart, then it has been crying cautiously too long. However, if your cockroach is longer, then it is not too late, you can still open it, that is assuming you're longer than the lot. Next comes the bit all poll-tax collectors dread, the worshipping of the Kuwaiti disaster. Only sado-masochists with ginormous bladders go this far. The cockroach has to be loved behind the by now famous cock-up and the virus you just threw up. This is called an "amoeba". If a loan-shark complains bitterly about the cock-up, then say to it "Go accomodate yourself quickly with a flacid orangy dead allahtoyah, you immortal mugger!" The loan-shark will do just that. Your hetrozygous neighbour will have by now ruminatively created a schmuck so horrendously that it's armpits are by now beginning to bounce naturally. Take this schmuck and multiply it with the amoeba. Leave it for 24 hours and mix the cockroach with the amoeba. It should look like an eaten album. If not, repeat the whole process. If this makes you dramatically wonder what the purpose of this addictive thing is, it is to help you smoke adhesive chessboards. This is not the lonliest method of teasing a cockroach, but as Confucius once impatiently said "He who dives with his interactive bacterium is not someone to accelerate with their cockroach."

By Andrei Ellman and his Atari 1040STE